“… I tricked myself into thinking that this necklace is worth a lot more than I paid for it.”

I get to the end and there's this jewelry case, and I look down at the very bottom and there's a Heart of the Ocean necklace sitting in a box and I'm like, "I've never seen that. What is that? That's cute." And it gave me memories of cosplaying Rose as a kid. I was like, "It would be really cool to have, like, an actual, like, version of that instead of, like, this crappy painted kids necklace," which I still have as a keepsake for various reasons. And as I look closer to it, it was in a box that had Celine Dion's name on it. I'm like, "Oh, wait. This is like official? Like, maybe not like Titanic official, but like, this is like Celine Dion official?" And I didn't have any internet and this was years ago. So like even - I would not have been able to look this up and I couldn't so I didn't, and the price wasn't that bad. It was like 15 bucks. And I was like, "You know what? If this was just a random necklace, like this is obviously costume jewelry." And I was like, "If this was a - just a random necklace, I would not pay 15 bucks for it, but I like Titanic. It's got childhood memories, and it’s cute," so I bought it. I've kept it around in various places, like on my desks and, you know, stuff like that, just around. Didn't wear it. Just kept it around. I would hang it from things, just to be able to look at it. Actually with the old necklace from that - when I was a kid.  And then this past year, I had a lot of stuff change, and I don't know. I just felt compelled to start wearing it, so I did. And it's sort of like a comfort object for me, something that's like always around, you know, 'cause I wear it all the time. I don't take it off, like, ever. Maybe if I'm doing, like, a particular job or something, where like you can't wear jewelry or something, but that I - it's like a wedding ring. I don't take it off. So I was kind of wondering about it because I hadn't - like I said, I hadn't been able to look it up and I kinda forgot to look it up…

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“As I get older, I am way more likely to speak out.”

Note: There is language that is excluded in the transcript but not excluded in the audio. As I get older, I am way more likely to speak out. I think I used to be intimidated. I'm not any taller than I was, you know, 10 years ago, but I'm older and I recognize that my words can have some power, or at least shut somebody up. And I'm just very grumpy about it. I don't want to hear people b*tching at the cashier. I don't think there's a reason for it. And I mean now granted, cashiers I think are a little bit more supported to speak out, which is good. But I still just - that's one I've noticed. I spoke out after a plane ride. We were on a shuttle, and this guy was just reaming out our shuttle driver because he didn't have his ticket and she passed his spot in the parking lot. And so naturally, because he didn't tell her where he parked ahead of time, how dare she pass this car that she didn't know was his, and I was not having it. And no one else was speaking up and I thought that was wrong. He was berating this woman and she was like, “Oh, I'm so sorry sir, I'll turn around." And he just kept going, so I mixed it up with him, and his wife got really embarrassed and I didn't care. And my husband was really proud of me, and then said "Well, I wish he would -" He was like, "I wish I would've thought to say something," and I'm thinking to myself, "We all should say something, that was rude." So I'm definitely, I'd say grumpier because that I just immediately get a RBF and go to town.

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“I’ve been having more space to be aware of what I’m eating.”

Note: This diary contains discussion of binge and restrictive eating. Haven't had a lot of time to myself, but one thing that I've been feeling grateful for is I've been meditating a little bit - not much, like five minutes a day, but even so that sort of helps me clear out my brain a little bit, especially when I'm feeling this sort of overstimulated. And one of the things that I've been thinking about, I listen to a podcast called the Happiness Lab and they did a segment on intuitive eating, which is kind of just what it sounds like, so eating when you're hungry, not eating when you're not hungry, and that sounds very straightforward, and like a thing your body would naturally do, but I know this about myself, that I tend to eat if I'm stressed, like I crave sweet stuff if I'm having a bad day. And I'll, you know, eat an entire sandwich or something at a restaurant when I really don't even want all of it. It's just sort of like a mindless thing. It tastes good and it's there and it's hot and I just continue to eat. So I've been having some gratitude that - I don't know if it's the meditation, but I've been having more space to be aware of what I'm eating, and I've been asking myself a really simple question, which is, "Am I hungry?" And last night, I noticed in particular that I was feeling really stressed out. I was in this big meeting that I'd been planning with others for like two weeks, and part of it kinda went off the rails, not through any fault of our own, but it just did. And right away, I was like - there was food at the meeting, I'd already eaten, I wasn't hungry. But I was like, “Oh, I think I need to go get more food. I think I want some more dessert or whatever,” and it was just interesting 'cause I like actually had enough brain space to be like, "No, what you're feeling right now is frustration and stress and you're not hungry." And so I'm grateful that I had that kind of space in my brain. And it's not even - I'm not thinking about it as like from a diet perspective, of like trying to restrict what I'm eating, but it is…

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