“I’ve been having more space to be aware of what I’m eating.”

Note: This diary contains discussion of binge and restrictive eating.

Haven’t had a lot of time to myself, but one thing that I’ve been feeling grateful for is I’ve been meditating a little bit – not much, like five minutes a day, but even so that sort of helps me clear out my brain a little bit, especially when I’m feeling this sort of overstimulated. And one of the things that I’ve been thinking about, I listen to a podcast called the Happiness Lab and they did a segment on intuitive eating, which is kind of just what it sounds like, so eating when you’re hungry, not eating when you’re not hungry, and that sounds very straightforward, and like a thing your body would naturally do, but I know this about myself, that I tend to eat if I’m stressed, like I crave sweet stuff if I’m having a bad day. And I’ll, you know, eat an entire sandwich or something at a restaurant when I really don’t even want all of it. It’s just sort of like a mindless thing. It tastes good and it’s there and it’s hot and I just continue to eat. So I’ve been having some gratitude that – I don’t know if it’s the meditation, but I’ve been having more space to be aware of what I’m eating, and I’ve been asking myself a really simple question, which is, “Am I hungry?” And last night, I noticed in particular that I was feeling really stressed out. I was in this big meeting that I’d been planning with others for like two weeks, and part of it kinda went off the rails, not through any fault of our own, but it just did. And right away, I was like – there was food at the meeting, I’d already eaten, I wasn’t hungry. But I was like, “Oh, I think I need to go get more food. I think I want some more dessert or whatever,” and it was just interesting ’cause I like actually had enough brain space to be like, “No, what you’re feeling right now is frustration and stress and you’re not hungry.” And so I’m grateful that I had that kind of space in my brain. And it’s not even – I’m not thinking about it as like from a diet perspective, of like trying to restrict what I’m eating, but it is from the perspective of like “What is my body actually saying and am I paying attention to it?” Because so often when I’m busy I’m not doing that. I misinterpret everything for hunger, like I haven’t had any water all day and I’m like, “Man, I’m starving.” And it’s like, “No, you just need a glass of water.” Or I feel stressed, even marginally. Tiny, tiny little bit of stress. I’m like, “I think I need to go eat again.” So, just grateful for the brain space to think about that a little bit more critically, I guess.

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