“It wasn’t a real hug, but it was something phenomenal.”
I was trying to think of the last time I felt genuinely happy and that was on February 15th 2024, because on that day, I got a massive hug of encouragement. It wasn’t a real hug, but it was something phenomenal that gripped my heart and kept me moving throughout the semester. I really did love that day so much. Um, I was having a very difficult time writing this paper for my LGBTQ+ studies course. And that was — the, the, the topic of the paper was to find a couple artifacts, dig through them, get everything out of them, find the codes, find the true meaning, find everything, find all the interpretations, and tie it up with class topics and submit. But I was having a horrible time because I just had no confidence in my ability to write. I — there’s nothing worse than looking at something that you did and saying, “Wow, this is awful.” And that’s how I felt on that day, so. But before I get into that I want to talk about the artifacts that I chose and that — er, those were zines. They were “blue floral gusset” and “Travesty #2” by, uh, Spurzine, who’s an Australian zinester. And the thing I love so much about zines is the completely unfiltered nature of the, of the zine. It’s so phenomenal. It’s a window into the mind. It’s true passion, and that’s what I can sniff out. That’s what I love to see. I love to see true passion radiating off of my computer monitor or holding it in the palm of my hand. It just feels powerful. I was researching these zines and I felt awful about ‘em because I didn’t have any confidence in myself.
But I went to the writing center. I went to the writing center at my university. I sat down with somebody. They were a sounding board for the, for the ideas that I was creating in my mind. And at the end of the session, they looked at me in the eyes after listening to me ramble on and on and on for like an hour and a half, and they say, “Don’t undersell yourself. You’re a phenomenal writer. All of the things that you said made sense.” And I like stood up from my chair, jaw to the floor, and I’m like, “What are you talking about?” And they say, “Don’t undersell yourself, man. You are a phenomenal writer. Just keep going.” And, of course they, they gave me true feedback, they weren’t just pulling my chain. Um, they gave me feedback and how to develop my arguments further and how to further X, Y, and Z, and to really make this paper blossom into the tree that it was. But I couldn’t see that. All I saw was this weed on the ground that needed to be plucked, and removed, and thrown away, but man, it felt so good to like take a step back and realize that I made an oak tree instead of this assumed piece of trash that needs to be disposed of. And that kept me going throughout the semester, and I returned to the writing center many a times. And man, it was such a good time, I love writing so much. I truly do. It is such — it — mwah, it’s such a good time. And to, to have somebody, a professional, tell you that what you are doing is good, what you’re doing has worth or value I mean? That really just — that’s the hug. That warms my heart and allows me to continue onwards, even when I’m having the worst time in my life.
