I have thought about a tattoo. Me and my mom actually talked about it last week. We were gonna get a matching tattoo together. We don't know what we're gonna get yet, but I kind of want either a heart that matches hers or her handwriting and it says "I love you". But I definitely wanna get something to match my mom, just because me and her have such a close relationship together.
I learned the basics of knitting, which is just knit and purl stitch, from my grandma when I was about eight years old. And she... Yeah, she gave me some needles and some yarn, taught me how to do knit and purl which makes like a stockinette stitch, which is the stitch that, you know, you see in a t-shirt or like it's a smooth - like one side is smooth and has Vs on it. So like a machine knitted scarf or whatever would probably have stockinette. And I made a square, a square of yarn, and that was it. And then never did anything else with it and she died when I was 16. But then when I was 18 and a freshman in college, I picked it up again. I just got some cheap yarn from Michael's and tried to remember what she'd taught me. And it's like I just made up a cast on and I just, I only remembered how to purl. I mean knit, not purl which, if you just knit on both sides, then you get a bumpy stitch, which is also great. So I made these, like, scarves 'cause I didn't know how to do any shaping or whatever, and like I remember I made one for my roommate and it was so bad 'cause this yarn that I chose, it's like this really nubby fluffy yarn, which is great for scarves, but it was really hard to see your stitches and so like this one scarf I made her. I mean, it started out skinny and it just grew and grew and grew because I kept accidentally adding stitches. It was so awful, but she wore that thing. She might still have it as far as I know.
I can do that no one else I know can really do is play the flute. I mean, I know people who play the flute since I'm in band, but like my circle now like no one can play the flute. That's such a random thing. Most people play like the piano, the guitar, the drums, but I play the flute. I played - I started whenever I was in sixth grade, so I don't even know how old I was at that point. 12? Something like that. So I've been playing for like 15 years, which is crazy to think about. It's like the only hobby I have that I've been into that, like, seriously, and I have mixed feelings on it. I think I've talked about it before, but yeah. Yeah, it's pretty sweet. I can also make bird sounds like whistles. I don't know what kind of bird it is. It's just more like a stim for me, but it's really satisfying to me. I'll try and do it, hold on a second. ((bird sounds)) Yeah, I don't know how that all came through on a phone recording but I can also clack my tongue really freaking loud, like it echoes and it's almost kind of painful. I don't know. I guess in addition to the flute thing, I can sing and play the flute at the same time, which is kinda interesting. It makes like a buzzing sound while you play.
I've been noticing something over the last couple of weeks. And it's a feeling in my body. And the best way I know how to explain it, is it feels like I'm a tea kettle that's about to boil. Like, this anxious feeling that's like building up, and it hasn't spilled over yet, but it feels like at any moment it could. And I remember feeling that way all the time in grad school, and at other times in my life, but that was kind of when it was the most consistent, I guess. And at that time, you know, after two years of being in school. Well, six years really 'cause undergrad. I didn't really know how to relax, like, there are a couple examples that spring to mind. The first was I was in Newport, Rhode Island, which is kind of a nice vacation spot, sort of. Or scenic spot, I guess, in Rhode Island. So there's like a cliff walk you can do and there's big mansions you can tour. And it must have been at the end of one of my semesters. I don't think it was my final semester. But we went on a walk, that cliff walk, and we got to the end and my friend was like, "Oh, let's sit down and like watch the water." And I kind of couldn't. Like I sat and I just kept - I just felt very jittery, like "Why are we doing this? There's no point to this, like we need to go back." And I just kind of recognized that I wasn't able to relax, and I wasn't able to do something that wasn't - that didn't have like a "purpose". And then around that same time I guess. Well, this would've been maybe like the semester before. I was at home and I was working on a paper. It was over Christmas break, and my dad had just gotten an oximeter which it tells you your blood oxygen levels and it also tells you your heart rate. And my dad's not a fit person. He doesn't eat well, he doesn't exercise. And his resting heart rate was like seventy, maybe, so he's showing me how it works. And he put it on my finger. And it told me that my resting heart rate was like a hundred or something, or my heart rate. I…