My graduation went lowkey so poorly cause like there was this random lady who was handing out diplomas early, she wasn't supposed to be on stage. I don't know why I should try to sabotage all us, but she like sabotaged the first three people and I was the third person, and I didn't know and I like took the diploma from her even though like we had practiced a bajillion times to like take it from our school principal. I just I didn't know if like plans changed and I was supposed to take it from her so I wasn't gonna like embarrass her on stage, and I also wasn’t thinking because it was like a five-second whole process for like pictures and everything. So I just I literally took it from her and awkwardly stood with it, smiled, moved over to my principal where like he awkwardly took the diploma from my hand and like shook my hand and like I don't know, he gave me a new one. It was so awkward. And then I walked over and like, took the final picture and like the final picture -- freaking, my -- you could see my double chin and it's like, why? Like, I don't even have, I know it's not a big deal but like it was like the one and only picture where you could see like a double chin. And like it was my only good one. Like the only good one in terms of like scenery and background and I was like, “God damn,” you know?  And then I saw there was like, another one, where was it? Yeah, like the the middle one. They forgot to take the one like where I was shaking my principal’s hand. So I didn't even get that one and then the first one where I would like stood awkwardly like the lady was in the background and so my photographer tried to freaking AI her out and the people in the background ended up looking like actual monsters, like they had like one eye and like 12 fingers, like on like their hands looked so fricking -- it wasn't even 12, it was like 15 fingers. It looked fricking insane. Like everyone in the background looked so scary. Like there were like they had no facial features. Like there was this one guy without like a…

The food was incredible. Like genuinely, the food I ate in that dining hall was, if not the very best, one of the top three greatest dining experiences I've ever had in my entire life, okay? It was so beautiful. It was so well made, like, they had live chefs cooking in front of us, and the whole experience was free, and it was incredible. It was absolutely incredible. It was so delicious. There was only one item on the entire menu -- and we, we tried everything -- that I did not like, and it was just incredible. Um, yeah. And like, even that one item was like a cold avocado soup? I think that if I had literally walked over to, like, a microwave or something and, like, heated it up, I would have loved it. It was just the coldness that I didn't like, but it was -- everything tasted so good, and it was so great. Um, yeah. And like you didn’t -- they had, like, homemade sorbets and everything. It was like, wow. Wow! I know it's a private school, but like, wow! Damn, like this is crazy!

I'm afraid of things changing to the point that I can't control. I'm afraid of -- you know, cause I'll be going to college next year, I guess, technically this year in three months, and I'm afraid of not finding people as good as I had them at high school and at our high school because it wasn't really a traditional high school. It was like, I don't know how to explain it. But everyone there, I guess most people there were pretty dedicated and pretty smart people and really committed to learning and making the best out of things. And they were also really sweet, and they were really kind, and they were funny, and they were fun, and everyone I guess most people were often typically themselves and I'm afraid that I won't be able to find such a community in the places that I'll go to next. I am afraid that. I will lose my own authenticity, and I guess whimsicality, if you will, because Iife will make me serious, I won't be a kid anymore. And, you know, I'll be 18 in a few months, I guess I'll be legally an adult. And maybe things will change, and I won't feel like me anymore. And it'll feel odd and it'll feel off. Yeah, I'm afraid of change.

I just wanted to talk about this idea that -- there, there are quite a few ideas I hate now, or I really don't like right now, that I used to really like, actually, when I was little. So I think that, like, one of them is this idea of, like, conservative fashion. And what I mean by that is, like, how you would imagine, like, basic, I guess, bland clothes on just generic, like -- I don't know. Like maybe young to middle-aged white women. That's like how I imagine it. That's sort of the baseline. You know, it's just this idea of like, like -- I don't know, modest -- I guess that's fine. But, like, just beige, white, maybe brown clothes and it's like, like cotton or linen. And it doesn't look bad, it's just very basic. And it's just, like, the most neutral you can get, whether that's with color, with cut, with, like, accessories. It's just so simple. It's, like, maybe gold earrings at most, you know. Probably no, like, accessories at all. And it's, like, straight blonde hair. Maybe brunette, if you're crazy. Like, I don't know. It's just so, like, simple and basic. But I remember that -- when I was little -- and I was, like, really little. I was, like, seven years old probably. My favorite show on the TV was about these, like, like, this white generic family on a farm and that was exactly their style. I don't even remember the name of the show. I just remember being so excited whenever it came up because it was like, “This is the most comforting thing ever. Who wouldn't love this? Like, this is so good.” And I loved it. I would, like, watch it for so long. It was, like, about, like, horseback riding and, like, stuff like that. And it's just, like -- it's so, like, plain, but I loved it. And, I, I don't know, I guess I'm saying this to say, like, there's so many ideas that, like, I might really not like anymore or align with ideologically that, you know, I can think back to and I can think back about and sort of reflect and be like, “Well, I used to like it at some point in time.” So the idea itself hasn't changed, it’s just my attitude towards it. And that sort of…

I remember one time when I was little, I was playing hide and seek with my grandma, and then I went and hid underneath her blanket on her bed and I fell asleep. I was really little, but I fell asleep and then she spent like 30 minutes looking for me. And she was calling my name, she was like, “I don’t know where you are girl, come out.” And it was like, I was fully asleep, I had no idea. And then eventually I think she went to, like, in her bedroom to like sit on the bed and think. And she like, removed the cover -- and I don’t even think she got to removing the cover. She literally looked at her bed and she was like, “Someone is in here.” And then she started laughing and like removed the bed cover and found me underneath just fully asleep. And it was so funny, I -- it was like -- I don’t even obviously remember any of the process of any of this happening but I am just occasionally told that like, “Yes bro, your grandma was looking for you for so long and like, she thought, like, ‘Did you run out the house? Like, where are you?’” And, um, yeah, must have been pretty worrying to other people, I feel like. I don’t know.

And then on Thursday, the roads were very icy and on the way to school the car in front of me rear ended the car in front of them, who rear ended the car in front of them and I swerved out of the way to try to avoid the accident and I ended up side swiping a car, and totaling my car, and running into a snowbank. So, it was horrible. It was like the worst week of my life, or like, the worst, like, two weeks of my life. And I had two tests that day, and I had to go to school afterwards because like me and my sisters, like, we were all fine. Like, none of us were hurt for some- -- like, somehow. I'm so glad that none of us were hurt. There was nothing I could do to avoid the accident. Like it wasn't my fault or anything because I braked the moment I saw that like there was an accident, and I like, skidded, like there was -- it was super icy and I couldn't do anything. And so, I tried to swerve out of the way but it just did not, not go very well.   And then I had to go to school, I had to drive to school, I had to drive my dad's van to school and then I was like thirty minutes late to my first class and I had to take a test. It was so bad. And then I had to take another test later that day, and I was like, sore and tired, and I just wanted to be done. And then I had soccer practice after school, and then yesterday we had a -- or not yesterday, Friday we had a snow day, like I can't even keep track of things anymore. And like, I was glad that we had a snow day but then I just had the entire day to just like think about the car accident and it was just horrible. I was -- it was a horrible week, so I'm just glad that I made it through it.  

This is gonna sound even, like -- not stupid, but like it's not really that big of a deal. But anyway, it is to me, you know? ‘Cause today we went to Aldi and we got like… Well, like my dad and I went, but I was only one who went in, ‘cause he was like, "You know, why don't you just go buy it today?"I was like, "What? Like me alone? That's crazy." Like, "Yes. Yes, of course, I will." So I just -- literally all we had to get was milk, ‘cause that's all we wanted to buy. Like, that's like -- we didn't want anything else. Like we could, but we just, we just didn't want to. So, anyway, I, I went in by myself, guys. I know, I'm like, [a teenager]. At my grown age, I should have been doing this like a long time ago, but I am an only child and I have like pretty strict parents. Like, I was a pretty sheltered kid. Like I never even… Bro, my mom would hold my hand in the house, okay? The bar is so low. Like the overprotectiveness is crazy, you know? So like, I just, I never really did anything on my own. The only time I really felt free growing up was like camp, or like field trips, or anything remotely similar to that where I was like, away with other children. But it's never just been me, you know? Like, I haven't even finished my driver's training stuff yet because I started super late. So, and it's also on me ‘cause I was also scared, ‘cause I was like, "I don't know, I don't know what's going on." Like, "No, thank you. I don't want to sit behind a wheel. I barely have walked in a grocery store. What are we talking about?"

I basically -- so, there was like -- in Iran, my school there was, like, preschool one, preschool two sort of. And so I basically did -- actually, I don't know if it was preschool or kindergarten, but it was one of the two. And I essentially did the same course twice because I wanted the same teacher. And so I think I -- it was, like, preschool two that I did twice, so I never did one -- I never did preschool one. But I did it because -- it was a private school and the principal, she was a lady, she was really, really sweet. She was really strict, but she was very caring. That's what I want. I want people who care. And she was very sweet. My mom talked to her, she was like, like, “My daughter is literally not eating anything at school.” And I would never eat at school. I would never eat lunch. And I was, like, crying whenever I got home, because I just -- I was so hungry and so upset and I just didn't want anything. I didn't eat snacks. I didn't eat lunch. I refused completely. So, I got, like, I would get home and my mom would be like, "How was your day?" And I would just not talk, and I would just cry. And, like, I understood and, like, I definitely communicated with the people I liked, but anyone who upset me, I just did not -- I did not care enough to talk to them. So, with this other teacher I would, like, actually tell her what was going on and I would, like, talk to her. And, like, she was so nice. Like, she didn't make me do anything. She didn't, like, tell me to eat anything. She was just there. And that made me want to do everything, you know. I would, like, play games. I wouldn't cry. I would eat my food. And it's, like, basic stuff, you know, obviously. But it's like -- that's -- I think that idea’s always been with me. Like, I just I've never liked it when someone has yelled at me and told me what to do. I think everyone is like that, but -- well, maybe not everyone, but I certainly am like that. I can't bear [to] have someone tell me what to do when…

I don't know, it's just a lot to consider, you know, like do I go to sleep and wake up knowing I have a full new day ahead of me with, like, no more breaks again, or do I not sleep for a little while and play games and watch TikTok and do random other stuff? I don't know. I have to make that choice constantly because that's just the way things are.   And I really hope that I get into a school where that no longer is a major issue and I can, I can just not choose and I don't have to pick one over the other and I can, you know, watch my TikTok things for half an hour and then go to bed and wake up the next day without feeling overwhelmed or feeling sleep deprived.   Um, and I feel like over the summer I didn't do anything. I didn't do internships, I didn't do anything. I'm literally just 17. Like I don't understand how people expect so much of us. Like, we are literal kids. I don't understand how we're supposed to have it all figured out and I know a lot of people say, like, "Oh, you're not supposed to," or, "Oh, whatever," but like in reality I don't see that, I don't that. That's not reflected in college apps, that's not reflected in anything where I actually have to like, like present myself and advertise myself, not as a student so much, but as a future, um, I don't know, advertisement.   I literally have to present myself as an investment for schools. Because who do they want? They want someone that's gonna make them money later on. And if I don't have internships and networking already, then it's not gonna look too good because you're just going to see that I don't care about that stuff, or I don't go out of my way to achieve that stuff. So, I mean, I understand that it's like a little bit silly to ask for all of it from again, a 17-year-old. But it's like I guess a little bit right because I guess if I were a huge organization of some sort, I would also want people to advertise for me even if it meant that, you know, it would be a little bit unrealistic or difficult for them. I don't know, it's just a lot to think about. 

We probably have the closest bond of all of our siblings. Me and her are really, really close. Which, it’s hard being long distance from her. It was both like really nice to see her over the weekend, and also very, very difficult to see her, you know, like living her own life and being like, “Ah, I'm not necessarily a part of this.” Like, there are people that you care so much about that I didn't even know their names until -- or like even, sometimes I knew their names but I didn't know the face to match the name. So it's both beautiful to see like, “Wow, you've really built a community here,” and also kind of melancholy and sad to realize that I'm not a main part of that community, you know, even though we're still a huge part of each other's lives. I'm not there with her, you know?