“I wanted to look like everyone else.”

I didn’t want to have red hair. I didn’t want to have curly hair. I wanted to look like everyone else. So especially like seventh and eighth grade, I’d straighten my hair every day. I tried to like, pull it back in ponytails and just, I didn’t want it to be straight — I didn’t want to be curly. I wanted to be bone straight like everyone else. I used tanning stuff, sometimes to make my skin look tanner so I looked like other people. I tried to dress like other people, like I, no hate to anyone who wears this, obviously. But I’d wear Lululemon leggings every day and never wore jeans like ever and never really dressed up at all. And I think that was really bad for me. Like I’d wear baggy t-shirts, and I’d be really, I was really insecure about my body because for me like looking at other people, I felt like I was like overweight or fat. And now looking at myself I am neither of those things. I am healthy and like, everyone is healthy at their own weight, obviously. And I don’t know why I felt like I looked so disgusting, but COVID really like, me being alone by myself really made me realize like, “Why am I doing this to myself?” Like, I’m, I want to change how I dress, so I changed how I dress. I don’t think I’ve worn a pair of Lululemon leggings, like, I wear leggings, but they aren’t like straight leggings, like, sticking to your skin, they’re looser. But I don’t think I’ve worn those Lululemon leggings in a good year, maybe year-and-a-half. I think it’s a year though, and I’ve made it a point to not wear them. Like, I never really gravitate to them anymore and I don’t really want to wear them ever again.

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