“I didn’t really realize that it was so related to this space until we drove back here.”

I felt just sad. I thought I’d feel scared and then I’d feel angry, but I felt a lot more sad than I was expecting to feel, and it’s hard because I feel sad just being here. I live far away, and so I couldn’t really… I didn’t really wanna spend the time and energy, driving five hours to home, so my my girlfriend and I, we went to her house. She lives only like 45 minutes away. So, we went there Tuesday night. And I felt okay Tuesday, I was like, “I don’t really feel like I need to go home,” but she wanted to go home and I didn’t want to be here alone. So I went home with her and it was… I was fine, when we were there. I felt distracted enough. I felt distant enough, and I was okay and I didn’t really feel like… I dunno, I felt like I was gonna be okay, and when we got back here, she had to go almost straight to work when we got home, and just pulling on to campus and pulling into our parking lot. It was just like… Just being here in this space, it was immediate. Like, I wasn’t scared, but I just – it was this immediate sense of I just felt really upset and alone and sad, and she had to go to work and then I wanted to go to the vigil that they had, but all of my friends are home and she was at work, and so I had to go alone and that… Walking there was… As soon as I got there, it felt good to be surrounded by so many people but I don’t just – I don’t know when… I don’t know how long I’m gonna feel like this campus is no longer a place where I feel connected and comfortable and happy. I didn’t really realize that it was so related to this space until we drove back here, and I just immediately felt this wave of sadness and it’s like that’s about being here. Just being here makes me feel this way, ’cause it’s hard to go anywhere without a reminder of it, and I just don’t know what to do about that. I mean, when a place you love so much is just forever tied up in this overwhelming sense of fear and loss, what do you do about that?

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