“I am so glad I live in a place where pests aren’t scorpions…”

Note: There is language that is excluded in the transcript but not excluded in the audio.

Last weekend, I was in Texas for a wedding, which I also had a wedding the week before that, which was in town luckily. But it was kind of a weird trip because when I got to the airport, I like waited around for three or four hours until my friends got there. I was staying with them in the Airbnb. And they were running the car and the Airbnb so I couldn’t just go myself. And um, and then we went to the Airbnb. It was very nice. Just kinda out in the country. And it was nice like, we kinda stayed up chatting ‘cause I hadn’t seen these people in a while, and then the next day the wedding wasn’t ’til 5:30, so we got to just sleep in and chill which was nice.

But that night, after we went to bed — it was funny because when I was talking to one of my friends, I said, “You know on the way here, we passed a billboard that said ‘Have pests?’ or something” like it was a, you know, pest company and it had a picture of a scorpion. And I was like, “I am so glad I live in a place where pests aren’t scorpions. You know? Like, we have moths right now, but I will take those over scorpions any day.” And so after they went to bed, I was like getting ready for bed or whatever. And I saw something — like my door’s closed, and I saw something by the door, almost like I closed something between the door jamb and the door. And I was looking at it for a second. Like, it looked like a piece of straw or something and then it started moving.

And the thing like — I don’t know slither is the right word, but I don’t know what other word to use — slithered into my room and dropped onto the floor and it was a freaking scorpion! And I was just like “How? Why?! This is the stuff of nightmares.” It didn’t even crawl under the door, like the thing came in through the closed door. It was just like, huh! And it was like crawling along the wall, and so I kind of waited for it to come out from the wall. And then I killed the thing with my shoe. I don’t know if that’s proper scorpion protocol. It’s obviously a lot bigger of a thing than just a regular spider you find in Michigan or I don’t know, even a cockroach or some kind of beetle. It just like, it feels a lot… crunchier, but it also can hurt you! So it felt like I had to kill it. And I disposed of it in the kitchen trash can but it was like — that was a little traumatizing and I checked all my sheets and blankets and every corner of that room before I went to sleep and I still did not sleep very well.

And then there was a massive thunderstorm! Woke me up at four in the morning, and I’ve never heard thunder so loud in my life, like it was just — I mean booming, booming, booming, booming so loud. I can’t even say what it sounded like because it — I’ve just never heard anything that loud like an explosion or something, but it’s clearly thunder and it was funny ’cause in my dream I was talking to somebody about
an album review that they had written and for a minute like the thunder like — when I first heard the thunder, it incorporated itself in my dream and both me and the person I was talking to were like “Holy s***!” and then I woke up.

And it went on for a while because I, like I actually got up to check my phone to see if there were any tornadoes or anything because it was so intense and the rain was just pouring down in sheets. And it’s like, being in a house you’re not familiar with, I’m like “Are there any trees that could fall on me? I don’t know. I don’t remember where the trees were.” And it did end up breaking the gate at this property. I don’t know if it was the wind or what. But no trees came down on us, but it was an interesting night.

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