Sometimes I think — like, I feel guilty asking for help and then it’s like every time I do, it’s always — like, it always builds community and relationship, you know. But just since last time I asked her for help, it was just like, not… It didn’t go over well, I felt bad, you know. Like, because it just feels like, I just — there was too many times where she — I had asked for help and then she hadn’t, and it was becoming lopsided, the — our friendship.
So then I felt really bad because upon leaving she was like, “What are you doing tomorrow?”
I’m like, “Oh, I’m just busy with chores.”
And then she was like, “Oh, well, I was gonna ask you to help me, but if you’re too busy…”
And I was like “No, like, call me anytime. Like, I’m actually not — like I don’t have anything scheduled. Like, just call me when you need me.”
So then I was like — I don’t know. I guess in that moment — So she’s pretty much, like, a loner, I would say. Like, we met through church and only after someone, like, really prompted us to try to meet each other. And again, like it’s been difficult to maintain the friendship, or it just seems like we’ll go months without any prompting or talking back and what forth, and it’s just kind of like, “Well, you never contact me.”
And it’s like “Well, girl, you never contact me.”
But it was just interesting, that kind of like, you know, I wasn’t saying no, I was just like, responding, and she was like rejecting herself. And it was like, I’m not saying no, I’m just like, “Yes, I never have a day where I don’t have something planned, but like –” I’m communicating to her that like, I — “Yes, I always have something planned, but I’ll make, I’ll make time for you, you know, like I’ll scooch some stuff because, like, yeah, I’ll come help you, you know, like, cuz you, you are willing to help me all the time, right?”
So, I don’t know, I was like, “Oh…” I think I, in that interaction right then and there, of like how I continue to feel guilty because I feel like it is one-sided, it was like, “Oh, I see why it’s one-sided,” because I can’t anticipate what her needs are and like she instantly was like, shutting herself down just like in the act of asking me, right? So it’s like, “Okay,” so I don’t feel like I have all the blame here like she seems uncomfortable with asking people for help, too. So it’s like, “Okay. Well, this is kind of like where we’re kind of breaking down — like the friendship situation.”
So anyway, I hope that she texts me tomorrow and that she isn’t like, ashamed of asking for help because it sounds like she just needs me to hold a piece of wood, like, for her barn and stuff so it’s like, “Yeah, like, let’s — I can do that, you know, I can make time.” Um, so, yeah.