“For the year anniversary, I’m going home.”

I’m scared to see reports of what might happen that night which is part of the reason to why I’m leaving. I’ll be back like, the week after and then it’ll be spring break and everything which is in itself a whole ‘nother weird thing. It’s just – yeah. Sometimes I gotta put me first and, and leave, take a little mental health break while also – you know, not really necessarily a break, but just going to be back, doing all my work remotely. I feel like that’s the one good thing about living in this day and age is even though I have feelings about last year, at least the good news is I can do homework and everything from the comfort of my room.

Quite honestly, I might have like a glass of wine or something on that day, pay tribute to the victims and their families, do a prayer for them. I know my parents are probably going to do that, and so it’ll be nice to join them, I think. I think it’ll be nice to join them. It’ll be nice to just kind of process it, realize, “Okay. You know, I’m fortunate enough to be in this position of still attending this university a year later,” without totally, you know, being rude or hateful or spiteful in a way.

It’s just, I need a break. Um, really need a break in general, but you know, it’ll be like a peaceful time to – at my home at least, to just pay tribute to the victims and their families and to all of us as a community, ’cause I feel like that’s the biggest thing that doesn’t get talked about is, uh, the survivor’s guilt and everything, um, and how that impacts us mentally. ‘Cause I – where I was last year I could hear it, and that was kind of traumatizing within itself, looking back and realizing. And the amount of like therapy sessions and everything, but, I feel like at MSU we have a pretty good community. We have – I, I’m just so grateful to be in a community where we all – you know, ordinarily I would say on a day-to-day basis we might not seem like we care about each other. But on days where it’s coming up to the anniversary and everything, I would hope – and I, I’ve witnessed this firsthand. I think a lot of us do care for each other enough to recognize that other people are struggling and might not be ready to get some things past them, which is absolutely fine.

We all heal differently. If some people need to hold on to their anger and their grief and their trauma, they’re more than welcome to do that. For others, it’s okay to feel guilty. For others, it’s okay to, you know, celebrate that you’re alive and everything. At the end of the day, it really just – it’s how, you know, how we come together as a community. And I feel like that’s the biggest reason, um, why us Spartans are honestly such a great community and everything. 

But yeah, for the year anniversary, I’m going home ’cause, you know, as much as I love the community here, mentally, I’m at that point where I know I’ll need a break and I know that it’ll impact me in a different way. So I’m just gonna go home, relax, spend time with my cute little dogs. And just, yeah. Take a moment. Um, just kind of realize, yeah, that – what happened a year ago, this is a year later. I’m still in the process of healing. I mean, there’s some days where they’re easy – where it’s easier, and there’s some days where it’s difficult and I can’t get my mind to wrap around it. Like, the, the fact that it happened. But in general, I’m just excited to go home and relax and honestly, just, just vibe for the week with, like, the comfort and safety of my house. But yeah. Thank you.

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