“I feel guilty for saying that I’m not thinking about it, but I think it’s kind of like a survival mechanism.”

Note: There is language that is excluded in the transcript but not excluded in the audio.

Coming up on the one-year anniversary of the, um, shooting on Michigan State’s campus last year. Um, I don’t know. It’s kind of weird. I — like I’ve been talking about it and thinking about it more in the past week or so as we approach it, but it’s also making me realize how little I’ve thought about it lately, um, like in the past, you know, four or five months. Which, I feel guilty for saying that I’m not thinking about it, but I think it’s kind of like a survival mechanism. You know, I can’t every single time I walk on the campus spend all my time thinking about that, um, or else I wouldn’t be able to walk onto campus.

But I do feel like I’m sort of like, I don’t know, doing, doing it a disservice by not spending more time being thoughtful about it. I have a class in Berkey this semester and I’ve never had one in Berkey before. And Berkey the building isn’t very linked with that event for me because I wasn’t there. I know it’s linked with it, but it’s not really linked with my experiences and my emotions towards it. Um, well I actually feel worse when I walk by, like, the back window of my old apartment that I lived in when it happened. That freaks me out more because that was like, so much more associated with my experience with it. And I don’t feel that way going into Berkey, which is nice. I’m really lucky for that.

In the first week of classes they had service dogs in Berkey. They had snacks. They had counselors available. And I really appreciate that. But then, they haven’t had it since. And I get it. You don’t have the resources to do that all semester long. That’s very reasonable, but, I don’t know. I guess it just contributes like this general feeling of guilt I have that it’s not just me. Like, everyone’s sort of thinking about it, you know, when it’s convenient.

My, my professor made a joke about it, kind of, the other day in class. The professor that I have – I take the Berkey class with. I don’t know, it wasn’t a joke, but, we were going around saying where we were from, and one student said they were from Oxford. And my professor said, “Oh, our condolences,” sort of jokingly, which was odd to begin with, and then followed it up with, “Well, I guess doubly our condolences since we’re in Berkey right now,” and that’s just – I mean, that was s***ty. I didn’t really think that was called for. But, I don’t know, I guess it’s hard for him also, teaching a class in Berkley. So maybe that’s a way for him to handle that? But, I think you have to, have to recognize that you’re looking at 25 students and it’s probably not the case that the majority of them are going to appreciate a joke, so, I don’t know. It didn’t upset me really badly or anything, but I think everyone was just a little uncomfortable. And I’m sure the girl from Oxford was really uncomfortable. She was in high school! I’m, I’m assuming she was in high school at the time of the Oxford shooting, so. She was there. I don’t — I don’t know.

But yeah, I haven’t decided yet what my – how February 13th is going to be for me. I don’t know if I wanna treat it like a normal day, treat it like an opportunity to catch up on school work. ‘Cause I think, I think if I treat it like a normal day and I go to the library and I just like, “Woohoo, no school,” I will feel really very guilty about it, but, I don’t know. I don’t wanna just sit at home all day and think about it. ‘Cause that’s — last year after the shooting I sat at home all day for days after it and thought about it. So I think that just feels like a regression in my healing journey, but I need to think about what that middle ground is between just sitting at home, and going about my daily life. I — find something in the middle. I don’t know. But I am kind of nervous, because like I said, I, I haven’t been thinking about it. It’s – like I felt okay about it. And I really don’t know what February 13th is going to cause to resurface, first of all, but I also don’t know what, you know, heavily dwelling on it, on the 13th, if that’s gonna make that even worse. I’m nervous, but there’s nothing I can do. It’s — the date’s going to come. And then it’ll be over, so. I don’t know. Bye.

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