“I’m not happy in this relationship, but I felt like I couldn’t break up with him.”

“What’s been particularly difficult this week?” Ever since I broke up with my last boyfriend in May last year — so almost a year, I realized I had a really hard time being alone. That was one of the things it’s like I was like, I’m not happy in this relationship, but I felt like I couldn’t break up with him. Our friends were interconnected, it had been three years, and I realized I was like — things were just headed south and at the time when I felt like we were rebuilding our relationship, he started talking marriage and I — we had different timelines. Sometimes I wonder if he brought that up intentionally. I don’t know.

But all it took was one, one argument where he was like, “Oh some friends of mine just got engaged in Paris. Gives me some ideas.” And I had said, “Well, sometimes you’re not really that nice to me. I feel like we need to be working on that.” And that exploded into an argument. He said some pretty cruel things and I was willing to try to work through it I guess, but I felt like I had told him this so many times. So then the next day, like, it was the weirdest feeling. I felt like my soul — like a butterfly flapped its wings, or it should’ve and it didn’t, and I ended things. He lives in Boston, so I didn’t have the money to go and visit him for a weekend to break up. I knew that it wouldn’t — I couldn’t do that in person. And maybe that’s not fair to him. But I agreed to see him multiple times after he’d come to Michigan. And that just started feeling like bad ideas. They felt like dates like it, it was hard.

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