Have I ever gone through a phase that was drastically different than the rest of my life? I think maybe I’m in that moment right now. My husband and I have decided after four years of infertility, like, we’re done trying. We have exhausted reasonable options and we’re left with one option to try with a very low success rate given what our problem is. And so, I’m in this phase of like trying to get our poop in a group. I think we’ve just been kind of assuming like, “Everyone has debt, we’ll just live with it forever.” And with the state of the world, I’m like, “This isn’t acceptable,” and so we are budgeting, we’re making sound decisions, we have a plan. I’m soaking up every opportunity to make extra money, doing all these little random things and then putting that money on credit cards to get them paid off. We’ve already paid off one, we’re kind of like, momentum is there, and this is very different. I have never stuck with something as long. I’ve never made good financial decisions. I mean, I shouldn’t say never, I’ve made some. But like, I’ve had debt since I was in college because I never knew how to like manage money effectively.
And I never really thought too far into the future, and now even though my future doesn’t look the way I thought it was. Like, I thought I would have kids by now. I’m 37. I thought I would be a mom with several, and now that may not happen and it’s likely not happening through me. If I’m having kids, it’s gonna to be a fostering or adopt situation more than likely, and that’s probably a couple years away just because financially, I don’t feel like we’re in a place for it. And so we’re really soaking up like being aunties and — an auntie and uncle to several — like of our actual niece and nephew, and then also, you know, friends’ kids who call us that. And we are in a different phase of life.
Our future that we’re looking forward to is like, “How do we enjoy our time? How do we enjoy our marriage? How do we plan to have a good retirement?” Knowing it’s probably just us. And what’s that gonna look like? Because again, we both really envisioned children, and that’s not happening. And I’ve talked about this before, but I’m not sobbing anymore. So like, things are coming up and I’m realizing, “It’s gonna be okay.” And that’s different than any other time, I’ve always just thought it’s got to happen and I’ve cried at the thought and now I’m like, “Nope, it’s not happening.” So how do I make my life better now? Because I can’t fix that thing, so what can I do to — you know, on a sense of control while also working through the emotions of, “I’m not getting what I wanted and there’s no way to.” So, I think I feel like this is totally different than anything else I’ve been through.