Friday, I was there feeding them and noticed that -- we got a new fish probably three or four weeks ago -- I noticed that I couldn't find that fish. Like he, he was really good at blending in, really good at hiding. Um, you know, there were often times when we would struggle to see him and then have to really look around and then it was like, “Oh yeah, there he is.” Well, I looked and looked and looked and could not find this fish. It was a, a dwarf hawkfish. So kind of like, pinky-white striped, kind of, um, nice. You know, people, people were excited that we'd gotten a new fish and they thought he was kind of cool looking. He was kind of spiky on the top. And, um, so, I had a couple of other staff members come over and look for him to see if I just was, was not seeing something. And then, of course, there were a few patrons that heard us talking about trying to find him, so they were looking everywhere for him. Nobody could find him. So I called the company and I said, "You know, I -- maybe he's just hiding or I don't know how long you wait before you worry like, that something happened or, you know, that -- whatever. Like we, we just can't find him." She said, "Oh, you know, he's probably just hiding. I was just there yesterday. Like, he seemed fine, you know, call us tomorrow if you still can't find him." So I left a note and my colleague, who was working on Saturday, called and -- ‘cause she still couldn't find him -- they said, "Okay. Do you see any remains anywhere? Like can you see any, any bones or, you know, anything that would indicate that he's maybe no longer with us or anything?" Um, and she said, "No, like we don't see anything." And the, and the, um, the fish people said, "Okay, you know, if we're in the area, we'll stop by, but, you know, there's still a really good chance that he's just, he's just hiding and you know, he'll, he'll be -- you'll, you'll see him come out, you know, at some point." Well, it got to be Tuesday, they -- and they never came out. Like, they must not have been in the…

My brother want[ed] to go to the Asian buffet for his birthday, which was last week. And as we're, you know, talking about this, my mom throws from out of f****** nowhere, "Oh, that place is like 40 or 50 dollars a person now. I don't know if we should go, it's really expensive." And I was like, “The f*** did you get that number from? Like seriously, where did you get that number?” Does not f****** respond to me because of course, she doesn't, because I'm calling her out on her s***. Which you know, she loves to lie and makes s*** up and has, apparently, immunity like a diplomat because no one will call her out on her s*** ever, except me. And now I'm the bad guy. So he -- my brother goes and messages me, "Oh, you know, if she doesn't respond just let it go." Like, I'm sorry do -- are you expecting me to just let her keep lying about stuff and making s*** up all the time and not say anything? "Well, it's not a big deal." It is a big f****** deal and that was the -- right there, that conversation was the last nail in the coffin of me sitting here going, "You know what? I'm not gonna have kids. Um, not on purpose anyway."

It says here, "Do you have a favorite flower? What — why is it your favorite?"Well, my favorite flower is a white iris. The white bearded iris. It's so beautiful, so beautiful, but I gotta tell you a story about the white bearded iris. When I was five years old, my grandmother went blind. So I really didn't know her — I remember her wearing glasses. That's the only memory I have of her being a sighted woman. All my memories of are — are her being blind, except that one. And she paid what she thought was an exorbitant price when I was about 13 years old for a flower tuber. It turned out to be a hybrid bearded white iris, and she planted it in, next to her house where she knew where it was. And every spring we'd go up there — and we went up there more than every spring. But in the springtime, when we were there, she would always ask about her flower. "Is my flower out? Is it blooming? I, I haven't felt any flowers on it." And it never bloomed. It never, ever, ever bloomed. The greenery was there, but the flower never bloomed. When I was 17, my grandmother passed away. My mother dug up that white bearded iris even though it never bloomed and brought it home and planted it in November. The next year, in the springtime, that iris — I gotta back up a little bit. If anybody knows anything about irises, they usually take two years to bloom. The first year, you put them in, they get the greenery. The second year they grow, they get the flower. But the following spring came up this beautiful white iris, as big as a dinner plate. It was so beautiful. I never seen a flower like that since. I've seen plenty of white irises and plenty of white bearded irises, but I've never seen one quite as spectacular as that one was. And I knew that it was my grandmother from Heaven, making — see- — seeing her iris bloom for the first time. It still gives me chills when I think about it.

Um, but a moment I had recently that I felt like I was totally present, which I hadn't felt in quite a long time because of all those things — Um, the yoga studio that I practiced at, it's a hot yoga studio. And so, because I'm pregnant, I can't practice in the heat. I was told by my doctor that that was not a smart choice. So I haven't really been going, and it's definitely an outlet. So I kind of also lost that, I guess, on top of all the changes this summer and was just having a hard time finding like a physical outlet. But they were hosting an outdoor class at a non-profit that had a really big farm. And so it was just like the perfect day, I was able to practice yoga again. I was with a friend of mine, we were under this beautiful tree, surrounded by these beautiful gardens. Before the actual yoga session, I had kinda been starting to not feel that well. I had a headache and was feeling a little nauseous. And my friend and I — she actually works at this nonprofit. She showed me all around the gardens and explained different planting techniques and just different things that she does there, and it was just so cool. And I felt like the stress, I don't know, it helped kind of melt away the stress. I felt like my headache went away and then we got to practice yoga, there was a gentle breeze, it was just really wonderful and I felt very present in that moment, um, and really grateful that I had that outlet and that opportunity to do that.